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(CONTINUE) tfln noctis -> ignis
(continued from here.)
[sometimes noctis forgot that they were only two years apart, they they were no longer children or that ignis wasn't his extreme elder. not that he looked the part, no, but it's hard to think anything of it when he was being nagged about something or other in a motherly tone.
but now that they're alone, a precious commodity all things considered, and he's in a state of undress (he at least threw on a shirt and his boxers before lounging on his throne of pillows,) it sort of... hit him. it probably wasn't very appropriate to feed ignis in this way, or how his attention flicked from his eyes to his lips and the way he licked them clean.
noctis could feel a patch of heat crawling up the nape of his neck, breath hitching only barely- but enough for him to notice. and the rare smile nearly caught him off his guard. but it was enough to make him look away, ducking his head a bit to hide whatever heat made it's way to his face.
man... what was that all about?]
I like this better.
[all things considered.
noctis did like a good party, but it had to depend on his mood and how much he was willing to socialize for a day... or a week. too much company drained him, which... probably wasn't the best trait for a future king to display but he was working on it.
ignis was... home. and he needed home tonight (morning?) in particular.]
[sometimes noctis forgot that they were only two years apart, they they were no longer children or that ignis wasn't his extreme elder. not that he looked the part, no, but it's hard to think anything of it when he was being nagged about something or other in a motherly tone.
but now that they're alone, a precious commodity all things considered, and he's in a state of undress (he at least threw on a shirt and his boxers before lounging on his throne of pillows,) it sort of... hit him. it probably wasn't very appropriate to feed ignis in this way, or how his attention flicked from his eyes to his lips and the way he licked them clean.
noctis could feel a patch of heat crawling up the nape of his neck, breath hitching only barely- but enough for him to notice. and the rare smile nearly caught him off his guard. but it was enough to make him look away, ducking his head a bit to hide whatever heat made it's way to his face.
man... what was that all about?]
I like this better.
[all things considered.
noctis did like a good party, but it had to depend on his mood and how much he was willing to socialize for a day... or a week. too much company drained him, which... probably wasn't the best trait for a future king to display but he was working on it.
ignis was... home. and he needed home tonight (morning?) in particular.]
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no he doesn't, he's the worst. and i would love to add you on plurk, when you get an add from mooncrashing that's me.)[His eyes widen softly, the heat creeping up his neck to make his face incredibly hot. The laugh was soundless but he liked that he somehow brought it from him? The important thing was Ignis' arms around him, and how he just... so easily sunk into him, his own arms snaking around the man. This felt... better. Right.]
I'd tell you if I knew how. [Voice mumbled, spoken against him. How does one even... say things half the time? Usually Noctis doesn't think very hard about what leaves his mouth. Often blunt and a little tactless. He... used to be better at it, that he remembers.
The incident took so much from him.]
...Why am I so bad at this.
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[ Right, indeed. Ignis hums a little in agreement, at the first part. He's .... For a moment, his thoughts made him very worried, if he's been pushing his interpretations on Noct, and maybe if he'd been a little more patient, it would have been--
But Noct's not the most patient himself, and the first mumble reminds him of that, and. It's okay.
Or at least it's okay until that not-question.
Because there is suddenly a 'this' and Ignis's heart actually skips a beat. It's one thing for him to remember to much, to overthink things, to indulge in what Noct does give him and be satisfied with it. Satisfied. It's fine. It's okay, it's enough, it's good...
And yet... there is a 'this' for Noctis right now. Curled into a squiggle in his arms, relaxed and warm and pressing his face into his chest and - it is a 'this'... ]
I. [ Deep breath - what Noct means is probably still about what they were just talking of. ] Whatever it is... [ No, that will be presuming too much. ] I am right here. As always.
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But Noctis...
Lifting his head up, chin against Ignis' chest, looking up at him and studying him closely.]
I know.
[Duty. Duty and a long, worthwhile friendship.]
...
[It's definitely a soft, frustrated sound. The words or actions wouldn't come. Pulling his arms away so he can reach up and cup the older man's face in his hands. Pouting splendidly- which he was far too old for, but this is a man who calls bugs icky and balks at vegetables.]
I...
I want to tell you something and you're going to listen the entire way through and not talk about duty or our status... none of that, okay?
[...What in the world is he doing.]
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[ Ignis didn't even mean duty, this time. Not even a little. He meant - it was his own confession, worded in a way that wouldn't force Noctis to notice it, to pay attention to it, to change because of it, and, well. He is ready for it to be missed or ignored, as is already the case inside his mind.
Then, hands on his face, rougher than his own ever get because of the gloves, still soft. A pout. A pout that he's somebody the reason for, and Ignis squeezes his eyes for a moment to steel himself against the punch in his gut because of that. And... words.
Those words.
Ignis knows. Ignis knows what the essence of what he will be told is. Because there is really one thing that he would bring up those things to argue against, and it's already on his mind and he wants. He wants to ask Noct if he is sure, to tell him he doesn't have to, to, to--
(Don't guide him but let him find his own way.) (A pout.)
(A hope.)
Ignis wets his lips, not that it helps any, and meets the deep blue eyes again. ]
I will listen, yes.
[ He's not even aware that one of his hand is bunching Noctis's shirt and releasing it, oh so gently, as his hand folds and relaxes nervously. ]
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[Good start, Noctis. Appeal to your good parts.
Ignis' lips are distracting him and it's so hard to maintain that eye contact.
As the Crown Prince, and now King (without ceremony) he had an air of arrogance and self esteem about him. But when he held this gaze he didn't feel even a little bit worthy for what he was about to say.]
...I took advantage of what we have more times than I can count. [And the realization of it hits him all at once, eyes softening as his lips turn into a frown.]
I hope you know I don't... mean it, right? That you're important to me- so important. If I think about it too much I can't breathe.
[There is so much genuine emotion there, it's been a long time since he's tried to truly express himself like this. Before everything went wrong.
There is... a hint of fright there. Noctis feels like whenever he loves someone- really loves them and allows that person a part of his heart, he loses them. By death or circumstance.
He couldn't lose Ignis.
His touch is softer, so is his expression.]
...It's different now. Us.
[Hesitating.]
I know what I want to tell you, but I'm afraid you'll say no. That we can't.
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I--
[ Ignis's voice comes out somewhat ... wet? moist? He isn't sure how to think about it in his head, and that's distracting him from thinking of the fact that it also breaks and he can't continue. Nor that he's blinking his eyes a little too fast, as his sight has become blurry even with the glasses, but he can't. He can't - he can't cry. He must not. It is not about him, it's never about him--
Except that it is about him. Noctis is putting himself out there, putting so much of himself out there so as to make this about Ignis as well, and Ignis can sob with the way the words, clumsy and shy and too much do to some bruises that have been scraped raw inside him. If I think about it too much I can't breathe. That is so - so Noct. Who always felt so much, so deeply, so long. But he always felt, even when he never breathed a word about it, or even gave a look, or-- or.
But that. That is not the crux of what Noctis is saying. Nor of what Ignis is feeling. ]
I know what you want to tell me. [ He opens his mouth to say that they can't and - he can't. Not with knowing for certain now what Noctis feels, how deeply he feels it, and what denying it would mean. (He is the one who was never supposed to hurt Noct. Ever.) Not with Noct imploring him to not bring up duty or their positions. Not with - not without lying.)
He swallows. Then dips his head down, until he leans their foreheads together. It's awkward for him and his shoulders and neck will hate him,but it also feels right. So right. ]
We can feel what we feel, Noct. And we can - know what we feel. But you know why that's... [ That's as far as it can go. It is, isn't it? With those eyes looking at him like that, with their world in shambles, he isn't even sure. He isn't sure...
So Ignis takes a shaky breath and moves to the other points, which he is at least certain on. ]
Nothing of being by your side has ever sucked, and you have never taken advantage. Never taken more than I was giving willingly.
And that was, and is, will be - all that I am. Always.
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And he didn't want to hear it or accept it.
He's searching his face for something he doesn't even know what he's looking for. Hands on his shoulders now, fingers curling against the material of his shirt.
Noctis wets his lips nervously.]
Status is nothing but a title. And it means nothing in my hotel room after midnight, when I'm with someone I care about like this.
[Voice smaller than he intended. Working through the lump in his throat was hard and he hated it.]
If I ask you what you're willing to give me now, would you answer honestly?
[Noctis wants to be selfish. He wants that hope. He doesn't want... logic to wedge between their hearts. Not after it took him so long to come to terms with this... particular ache in his chest.
The longing.]
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[ See, the second part, Ignis knows how to deal with. He has been doing this since Noctis was about six and realized that he could make people do things for him. Never too much. Never just on a whim. But always very good at it. And Ignis had to make the call, whether to indulge or get him to change his mind, and never, ever has it been this difficult to tell which one it should be.
The first part, though. The small voice, the tears in his eyes. Ignis leaned his head back again, but only so he could wrap his arms around Noctis, and hold him tight. Hold him as though he could squeeze away that ache and make it all right.
Hold him as though it can fix anything. Or hide Ignis's tears. ]
I am, [ he manages eventually, ] and have always endeavored to be completely honest, Noct. But before you ask. Before you ask, think of waking up tomorrow morning. Ask yourself if you can live with knowing that the person who you should always be able to rely on forwent his judgment and was weak and failed you. Think if you can live with despising me for it.
If you can't, then don't ask.
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The point was his fists curled angrily in Ignis' shirt, brows furrowed and lips pulled back.
His heart was aching and he was upset.]
You have never failed me! And you never will. What kind of question is that? What do you think I am!? How little do you think of me and my choices and you and yours. We're grown men!
Just men! Nothing else.
What I'm thinking of is waking up tomorrow morning and looking at the person I love next to me! Looking at the person who has been by my side. How could I ever despise you for wanting the truth.
I'm not just a King. I am a person.
You're a person, Iggy!
[Knuckles a painful white from the grip he was holding, his throat sore with the raw emotion he was exhibiting.]
I would still rely on you, succumbing to your emotions and letting us both have what we want isn't a failure. It's human! Isn't that important?
Wouldn't you just regret it if I decided to not ask? If this stopped?
This all could end tomorrow- another meteor could crash, something could happen. And what then? Then it would have been empty and meaningless. You don't deserve that. I don't deserve that.
[Hands shaking, his breathing a little labored as he tried to calm himself down, eyes closing briefly, as he asks again. Softer this time:]
What are you willing to give?
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[ Ignis wants to close his eyes and turn away. Ignis wants to not have caused this. This pain. He wants to make it right again. But all paths from here lead down into darkness. Into trust betrayed, into a boy who's lost almost everything remaining even more alone. All the paths.
But he keeps his eyes firmly on the person his entire world revolves around. He listens, and swallows, because some of those words. Some of those words, they hit deep. (Noctis and Gladio lost their fathers that night. But Ignis lost family, too - and he lost his core family much longer ago. He knows about losses. Those words hit deep.) (Not as deep as some of the others, words that he's needed to hear for a very, very long time.)
But, in the end, there is only the question, and Ignis swallows thickly, because he wants to ask again that Noct not do it. Not like that. (Isn't knowing that they love each other enough?) But it is too late. He takes a deep breath, and the word is far, far too easy to slip out of his mouth, not that he ever could have answered differently. ]
Everything.
[ Because it's true. It has always been true. Yet it feels easy as sin - to give all that he has. All that Noctis can ask of him. Everything and anything and all. ]
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Salvage the night.
His grip finally loosened, cheeks wet from the tears he didn't realize were falling. Palms smoothing up his chest as he leans and settles down against him. Breath hitching just... so as he invades his space like this.]
...You didn't fail me.
[Words chasing his shaky breath, which was just above a whisper. Lips brushing against his jaw, trailing apologetic kisses all over his face.
Noctis didn't really know what he was doing, but he didn't want to think about it. He thought too much.
Thinking hurts.
So he was going with his heart and what he wanted to do. Which were... innocent little kisses being peppered along the older man's face. Maybe even now, still a little too shy to plant a kiss where he wants to most.
So he's building up to it.]
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[ A tiny, mean part of him wishes, wishes so much, that he can calmly say, as you say, Highness, and wash his hands of what happened and what will happen. Cut deep, in return for this surrender. But it is a very small part, and - well. He has always tried to be honest. And saying that would be false.
Noctis wasn't wrong. They are just two men, and Ignis did not give this, all of himself, to his King. He surrendered completely, despite all the reasons he still knows that he shouldn't have, to the man he's loved for so long his memories of a life before that are scattered and random. He loves so deeply that he can recall almost every detail of the decade and a half he's spent by Noct's side - of Noct's wishes and fears and hardships and victories. But he can not recall what he's wanted in the same situations, because only one person mattered, and it was not, it is not, Ignis. It was not, and it is not, the Crown Prince, nor the King. It was Noctis. It will always be Noctis.
Who is crying right now, and Ignis can feel the tears against his skin, along with the soft, chapped lips. He can smell the tears. So he raises his hands where they'd dropped after Noct pulled away from him. He can't bring himself to hold the slender, fit body to him again. But he can bring him up and, between kisses, gently thumb those tear tracks away from the delicate face. ]
I... [ It is important to say, after all. It's just that his ability to form words, to even think them properly, is broken somehow. But the importance matters more. ] I love you, too.
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The tears won't stop, even with the kisses that were both trying to reassure himself and maybe bring Ignis... something.
He was bad at this. And should have kept his mouth shut. And he wanted to say so but he's said enough.
His lips still, palms pressing into the pillows underneath them. Leaning in that little distance to press their foreheads together.]
...Always.
[And he means it with all his heart.
He just... wish this mood would lift. Everything felt heavy and he knew it was his fault. He didn't regret what he said, because it was the sort of thing that was building for... he had no idea how long, and it just happened to break on an evening that was already hard.
...
Finally he heaves a soft, shaky sigh.]
...I'm sorry, Iggy.
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[ And, like that. One word, and it all, all of it, finally punches Ignis in the gut. No, not any word. Not the word that got sullied because it was unavoidable. Their word, the word that had meant the same thing from the start, no complications, only acceptance. His breath whooshes out of his chest, and he slowly sits up, arms now going around Noctis to cradle him and hold him close and reassure him, all the little things that have been there and that he is not going to let go.
Because that moment of surrender, of breaking his determination for the sake of what Noctis wanted - it's still there, but one word, and it's put into perspective. As well as by what follows. The apology is real. The way Noct says his name...
Ignis has always given everything of himself for him. But, despite a few things here and there, despite his youth and trauma, Noctis has given himself to Ignis, too. In his own way, at his own pace, in his own time, but he has, and it's utterly unfair and wrong to forget that, too. ]
Shh. You listened to your heart, Noct. It was screaming at you and you listened to it. It is all right. [ This time, he crosses the distance between their faces. Presses his lips against Noct's temple, holds them there. Holds him close. Hesitates. Then tries for a little more, to get the storm of crying out so it can pour out of Noct's heart. It's probably been building up for far too long, too. ]
I was also being difficult - in case you had not noticed, I can be very, very stubborn. [ He leans his head back, but only so he can look at Noct. ] You are all that is best in my life, Noct. Always.
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A shuddering breath is the only warning he gave.
It was some kind of night that had him experiencing more emotion than he has in years. He didn't want Ignis to see him cry, so he settles in his lap in such a way so he can press his forehead to his shoulder so he can let out all the tears he's been holding back.
Honestly it doesn't take as long as he was expecting, perhaps a solid minute of sobbing to get it fully out of his system- and it stops almost as abruptly as it started.
There's a few wayward sniffles. And he could address his words, maybe tease at the fact that Ignis was far more than stubborn. And maybe shyly affirm a few things about this change between them.
But, instead, Ignis gets a thoughtful pause before finally:]
...I soaked your shirt. It's gross.
[A beat.]
You should probably take it off.
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[ Well that was... unexpected. Ignis blinks a few times, his arms still very much wrapped around Noct, palms flat on his back to comfort him through the catharsis, before suddenly the bed is shaking in fits all over again, this time with Ignis's laughter, choked back into silence but very much making both of them bounce a little.
Eventually, he can gasp back enough air to speak, his eyes practically twinkling behind his glasses.
And we're doing rough equivalents of grading for the sake of simplicity...]I think Gladio would give this one about B minus for delivery and a solid A for effort. [ Beeeeeat. ] But I do suppose it is a trifling bit gross.
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And maybe it was because of the moment, a sense of levity after something so heavy...
But he's never seen Ignis look so breathtaking.
Noctis can't even answer the quip (because it was gross, because he's to busy being drawn in. And it wasn't innocent cheek kisses and consoling displays of affection, begging for a kind response...
It's Noctis pressing his lips against his, and he may not be skilled but he could figure this out easy enough. He never wanted to kiss someone so badly before as he did now. Fingers curling in his shirt as he closes his eyes and lets the initial first kiss linger. Savoring it.]
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So small wonder Noct hasn't seen it like that before. It has never been like that before.
But he is present enough to see the light change in Noct's eyes. To see him leaning closer, and to know. So he tilts his head so their lips can slot together comfortably. The kiss is answered, lips moving slowly against - with - Noct's. Until he sighs softly and parts his lips, the tip of his tongue brushing ever so lightly over the younger man's. Question, but also answer.
Yes. This time, this way, a thousand times yes. ]
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But there's nothing better than here. Than this.
His arms linking around Ignis' neck, body pressed against him in a way that leaves little to the imagination. It was like he couldn't get close enough but he still wanted to be pressed closer still. It was nothing unlike he has ever felt before.
And he liked it.
A lot.]
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And it kind of shows in his kiss.
His hands are both on Noctis's back, now, fists bunching into the fabric of the t-shirt so as to stop himself from holding him too tightly as they discover the taste and feel of each other's mouth. Ignis is a decent kisser, really, he has discovered his preferences a long enough time ago to have had time to explore.
So this kissing. It's tender and gentle and it still. Still leaves him breathless.
In one of the slight pauses when they are catching their breaths, he dares. Just for a moment. To move one of his hands down along Noct's back and to run the pad of his thumb, the only bare digit, along the thin sliver of skin exposed between the elastic of underwear and the hem of the bunched up shirt.
(If tonight turns out to be a dream, or something that Noct does regret once he's slept...
He will at least know how it feels to touch. Just once.) ]
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Can't have that.
Reaching up to tug off Ignis' glasses and gently set them aside, biting his bottom lip briefly, glancing back up at him through thick lashes. It's always a treat, Ignis without his glasses. But now he could really appreciate it.
Eyes closing briefly, enjoying the touch.
Noctis does have a complaint, however:]
Take your gloves off...
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[ Noctis likely doesn't know... no, actually, he's almost certain that, even with their camping, Noctis doesn't know that the glasses are the first thing he puts on in the morning, and that he feels very... extremely vulnerable without them. So the hand still in Noct's shirt tightens a little, but he doesn't try to stop him. His breath just trembles a little. In. And out. And then the gloves... ]
Are you sure about those?
[ It is a weak joke, and he doesn't even manage to expand it onto stranger sensations than palm-touch. Perhaps also because ... he is rather certain Noct has no basis of comparison. But mainly because without the glasses and the gloves, he feels completely bare, even if all other pieces of clothing are still on him.
It doesn't matter. It is not that he doesn't want to expose himself to Noct, for Noct to touch and see every part of himself that Noct wants to see. It's just that he's shy and...
If Noct overcame his shyness to talk to him, he can do so, too, can't he?
His hands move, the arms still bracing the slighter body, and he tugs the gloves off, the motion familiar and quick enough. Then he tosses them on the floor by Noct's bed... to gently place one palm at the small of Noct's back, very unsure what to do with the other.
In the end, he strokes too-smooth fingerpads lightly along the back of Noct's neck, under the hair. ]
There.
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[He doesn't specify what he's referring to, it was a wide and general sweeping statement. One that he meant with every fiber of his being.
He takes the time to quietly watch him, perhaps he didn't know just to what extent he was pushing Ignis, but he knew about the gloves. Patient as only a fisherman could be, heavily lidded blues taking in every movement.
When he finally touches him again he closes his eyes, letting out a soft little sigh. This... was far better. It was just them in this hotel room, the street alive with celebration, the moon shining through the slits in the blinds and illuminating what it could. It was a perfect sort of moment on a rocky night.
There is a moment of consideration before he's reaching back to take the hand at the nape of his neck. Making sure to be careful so Ignis doesn't get the right idea. Sitting up, knees pressing into soft pillows and the firmer mattress. Settled nice and pretty in the older man's lap.
Slowly he opens eyes as he brings a smooth palm to his lips, maintaining eye contact as he tenderly kisses his palm.]
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Noct...
[ Ignis's voice trembles. There is a bit of tension around his lips, but... his eyes are warm and open. It feels extremely good, between the way those blue eyes stay on his and the sensation of soft lips over a palm that... well. He's not used to either attention paid to it, nor to feeling that is pleasant coming through it. He takes his gloves off to shower, to cook, to, well. A few other things, usually messy ones. Sometimes when with a partner. Hence...
Yeah, he needs a moment to get his breathing back into control.
Then his fingers curl to tenderly caress Noct's cheek. ]
That may take a little while to sink in. Be patient about it? It has nothing... nothing to do with how much I love you.
[ He has to say it. He has to, even while his hand moves down, curling lightly over a buttock, before sliding down over Noct's bare thigh. Because he knows himself, and he knows Noct. And Noct will get frustrated, and... probably hurt.
Noct hurt is very much not a wanted outcome. ]
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Kissing his palm again, then the tip of each finger. Everything about Ignis was perfect, and maybe he doesn't show it when the others are around (something about masculinity and embarrassment) or... ever. It makes his stomach tight.
It's never too late to start, right?
Leaning in to every touch, eyes closing as he takes every amount of affection. This is someone who has starved himself from such things every since his accident and the incident in Tenebrae.]
Of course I can be patient. [Scoffing softly.] Who do you think you're talking to?
[Although that exploring hand gave another impression, a shiver running down his spine at the soft level of intimacy.]
We don't have to do anything.
[A little could go a long way, though. As he leans up for another kiss, a softer one.]
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