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(CONTINUE) tfln noctis -> ignis
(continued from here.)
[sometimes noctis forgot that they were only two years apart, they they were no longer children or that ignis wasn't his extreme elder. not that he looked the part, no, but it's hard to think anything of it when he was being nagged about something or other in a motherly tone.
but now that they're alone, a precious commodity all things considered, and he's in a state of undress (he at least threw on a shirt and his boxers before lounging on his throne of pillows,) it sort of... hit him. it probably wasn't very appropriate to feed ignis in this way, or how his attention flicked from his eyes to his lips and the way he licked them clean.
noctis could feel a patch of heat crawling up the nape of his neck, breath hitching only barely- but enough for him to notice. and the rare smile nearly caught him off his guard. but it was enough to make him look away, ducking his head a bit to hide whatever heat made it's way to his face.
man... what was that all about?]
I like this better.
[all things considered.
noctis did like a good party, but it had to depend on his mood and how much he was willing to socialize for a day... or a week. too much company drained him, which... probably wasn't the best trait for a future king to display but he was working on it.
ignis was... home. and he needed home tonight (morning?) in particular.]
[sometimes noctis forgot that they were only two years apart, they they were no longer children or that ignis wasn't his extreme elder. not that he looked the part, no, but it's hard to think anything of it when he was being nagged about something or other in a motherly tone.
but now that they're alone, a precious commodity all things considered, and he's in a state of undress (he at least threw on a shirt and his boxers before lounging on his throne of pillows,) it sort of... hit him. it probably wasn't very appropriate to feed ignis in this way, or how his attention flicked from his eyes to his lips and the way he licked them clean.
noctis could feel a patch of heat crawling up the nape of his neck, breath hitching only barely- but enough for him to notice. and the rare smile nearly caught him off his guard. but it was enough to make him look away, ducking his head a bit to hide whatever heat made it's way to his face.
man... what was that all about?]
I like this better.
[all things considered.
noctis did like a good party, but it had to depend on his mood and how much he was willing to socialize for a day... or a week. too much company drained him, which... probably wasn't the best trait for a future king to display but he was working on it.
ignis was... home. and he needed home tonight (morning?) in particular.]
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But he didn't pull away, and Ignis was relieved. And his arm did finally settle - mostly across Noct's back than around his shoulders, but he wanted to rub the shoulder away from him, in comfort. Because this was...
It was something they had both known for a long time, even with an interruption, and it didn't have to be awkward. It truly didn't. (It was, a little, but that somehow didn't detract from the warmth and comfort of it.) (Maybe he needed to think about this, later.)
(Later.)
He smiled a little, now. ]
I am very pleased with the fact. [ He could make this lighter, could he not? For Noct's sake. (He missed Noct's laughter, the easy one from so long ago, and the startled giggles from... later.) ] I could almost preen.
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[The type of small, subtle shift that Noctis didn't really know how to deal with. It made the pit of his stomach both warm and... fidgety? Was that even a thing? Because it was apparently a thing for him and he was just so... bad at this.
But Ignis made that little movement which allowed Noctis to sink into him further, his scent (which was usually food based, sometimes Ignis smelled of spices or sugar, or whatever ingredients he was using for the day) comforting him. Having finished most of the snacks on the tray he leaned over to Ignis' side of the bed to that bedside table to set it aside.
Having slumped his posture, he was more pressed into the other man's chest than anything now, enjoying the rumble of his chest when he spoke.
...
And that earned a soft scoff, tinged with amusement.]
Almost? Iggy, you're always preening. [Exaggerating splendidly as he tilts his head back to steady him with a look.
But there is definitely a hint of a smile there.]
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ooc: ... haaa I'm tagging from e-mail part of the time so I don't get to preview / edit a lot, so I understand the 'wait what did I actually type there?!' but it's okay. Enjoying way too much to be bothered by mistakes. :)
[ With Noct slumped against him like that, and soft, as opposed to the sharp edges of tension that he held himself in, usually, Ignis almost wanted to close his eyes and relax, too, but that might lead to saying something - ill-advised. Especially when Noct did something like that look, the impish boy peeking through the weight of pain and time and responsibility without being small...
Ignis swallowed, making his eyes widen. Then he tilted his chin forward a little, enough to give the hint of the motion, not enough to have to break eye contact. ]
Preen more.
[ A moment, and his face eased a bit, the mock-huffiness clearing smoothly. His voice lowered, too. ]
Preening for me, and not because of what I am.
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[The shift between them was little less subtle now, wasn't it? Or was he just imagining it. ...He had no idea, this wasn't his area of expertise. He had the social graces of a rock. But all Noctis knew, was that he couldn't help but let his gaze linger, taking in the details of his face.
They really didn't have the time anymore, for quiet time alone. Being the only one to taste Ignis' culinary genius. He had to share him.
An overwhelming sense of... it wasn't jealousy, he enjoyed both Gladio and Prompto too much to ever be jealous of them over something that couldn't be helped. But it was a sense of something. Something that made his heart ache and stomach tighten.
His brows furrow briefly as this hits him.
Feelings were confusing.
...
But his expression softens.]
Then you should. You should do whatever you want for you.
[He more than deserved it.]
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ooc: YAY! Also wow emotions and they're not even close to specifics...
[ Ignis was too distracted wondering what was it that bothered Noctis so. He was usually rather good at at least guessing - but this was not the moping from earlier, it wasn't grief, it was more confusion that he was displeased at, rather than anything else. What exactly was confusing without upsetting him?
Annnd then that, and Ignis blinks, sharply, then presses his eyes closed for a moment, a soft, warm, inescapable arrow shot through his heart.
See, sixteen years or so ago, he had met a small boy, eyes wide and full of joy with the world, who had been pampered beyond reason, possibly, but who always wanted to share what he had. A boy who had wanted all the world to be happy and full of light and joy.
Then disaster had struck, and the boy had woken up changed. Quieter, haunted. But this. This wish for all the best for those he cared about. It had never changed. It had never gone away.
He looks at Noctis from under his eyelashes. Smiles, just a little. ]
I have work to do. But when we're done, I will. I will, Noct, all that I want for me.
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[It was frustrating. Noctis usually went with the flow on whatever he was feeling, and his emotions were... not exactly limited? But he felt only the bare minimum was necessary for most of his life. He experiences joy well enough, happiness. He's cried, been upset. And he's loved, but in a different sense.
He could just ask, but the thought made him feel... incredibly shy? Something he hasn't felt since he was a young boy, meeting people for the first time- hiding behind whomever was tall enough and didn't mind the small prince peeking out from behind them.
Noctis let's out a soft sigh at Ignis' response.]
Iggy.
[Gentle, reaching up to touch his cheek. Something that made his heart race, the backs of his knuckles tracing the curve just slightly.]
You're not working now. And when will we be done? I'm selfish all the time, you should let yourself have that.
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ooc: ... baw that is so adorable but also I can totally see them quietly adoring each other and never crossing that short distance remaining between them, Noct because shy and Ignis because not his place... Ahem. But they are so cute right now. And in the other thread.
[ Ignis blinked.
Noctis called him Iggy twenty times each day, more, even, so this shouldn't make any difference, but it just did. Maybe there was something in Noct's voice? The frustration, the fondness. Maybe it was about how much of Noct's attention was on Ignis right now. But the warm shiver it sent down his spine...
He quirked an eyebrow. ]
You want me to preen right now. For me.
[ Just confirming. And possibly pointing out just how ridiculous it sounded. Then... softer. ]
That would require moving away, and I am quite comfortable at the moment. [ Barely, barely audible. ] For me.
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...For you.
[He found himself echoing his words, almost as softly as well. The words carrying themselves on his breath. It was alright, wasn't it? Ignis wanted to be here, he wanted him here... it was quiet (although he could faintly hear the celebrations on the street) and he had Ignis to himself. Such a selfish thing.
His palm pressed to the older man's chest, a gentle sort of urge.]
Least you can do then is relax with me, right?
[To lay back and enjoy himself, maybe... let his King spoil him with quiet affections, wordless sentiments. Things he would like to say but the fear of rejection (or worst, duty) that hung between them. It would be alright if he didn't say anything.
Nothing wrong with curling up on this abundance of pillows. They've done so before.
...
When they were much, much younger. But that didn't matter.]
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ooc: It certainly does things to Ignis's heart, he was trying to forget that thing existed... (but no, it's so cute and can be good...) (Ignis really truly forever loves him, too. But he was so accepting of the fact that most of the time he's next to invisible...)
[ Ignis blinked for a moment, startled by the hand on his chest, and his heart rate picks up. ]
I. I am quite comfortable already...
[ But when has he ever been able to resist that look in Noctis's eyes? Eager and completely attentive and soft...
Noct does not need to speak, for Ignis. To be enough, for Ignis. Just needs to be there and close to okay.
Small sigh, and he follows the pressure of the hand against his chest. Leans back, a little. ]
So long as you're also comfortable, of course. It is definitely the kind of moment better shared. [ Than taken away from another. Much better. ]
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[He was about to protest, but slowly Ignis was starting to lean back a bit. Good. That was... better? He supposed? His hand still lingers on his chest, picking up on the heightened heartbeat, which makes his own beat a little faster. Fingertips tracing the curve of one of the buttons keeping his shirt closed, and he finds himself swallowing hard.]
If I wasn't comfortable you'd probably know it.
[Offered as he shifts closer, letting out a shaky sigh as he burrows his face in the curve of Ignis' neck again, quietly breathing him in as he tries to calm whatever the hell was going on in his chest and stomach. It wasn't a sick feeling, and he has... a hunch.
Something he's had lingering thoughts about for the longest time.
He wants to say something, but fear sews his mouth shut. So instead he just curls his fingers against the older man's chest, and just rests here awhile.]
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ooc: oh, oh no. The most direct way to teach him.
ALSO if you happen to plurk and wouldn't mind occasionally other ffxv players swarming over stuff, kikibug13 here.[ Ignis can't quite help it. The statement, straightforward and everything, is so very true, in so many senses of the word, that he finds his stomach shaking with quiet laughter. Which he then mutes more by burying his face in Noct's hair, even while his arms go around the smaller body.
Also something familiar... but not in a very long time. ]
Indeed. [ Thoughtful, for a moment. ] Do you prefer it when I guess, or when you tell me yourself?
[ After... after Tenebrae, Ignis has been doing a lot of guesswork. And a lot of effort to make things right, better, for his prince. To get the right recipe. To make sure he could make himself breakfast, if he has to. To know what goes where around him, literally and in a more symbolic ways. But he hasn't asked. At first, because Noctis barely replied to direct questions, and that was all right, all things considered. After that... Maybe he should have. ]
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no he doesn't, he's the worst. and i would love to add you on plurk, when you get an add from mooncrashing that's me.)[His eyes widen softly, the heat creeping up his neck to make his face incredibly hot. The laugh was soundless but he liked that he somehow brought it from him? The important thing was Ignis' arms around him, and how he just... so easily sunk into him, his own arms snaking around the man. This felt... better. Right.]
I'd tell you if I knew how. [Voice mumbled, spoken against him. How does one even... say things half the time? Usually Noctis doesn't think very hard about what leaves his mouth. Often blunt and a little tactless. He... used to be better at it, that he remembers.
The incident took so much from him.]
...Why am I so bad at this.
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[ Right, indeed. Ignis hums a little in agreement, at the first part. He's .... For a moment, his thoughts made him very worried, if he's been pushing his interpretations on Noct, and maybe if he'd been a little more patient, it would have been--
But Noct's not the most patient himself, and the first mumble reminds him of that, and. It's okay.
Or at least it's okay until that not-question.
Because there is suddenly a 'this' and Ignis's heart actually skips a beat. It's one thing for him to remember to much, to overthink things, to indulge in what Noct does give him and be satisfied with it. Satisfied. It's fine. It's okay, it's enough, it's good...
And yet... there is a 'this' for Noctis right now. Curled into a squiggle in his arms, relaxed and warm and pressing his face into his chest and - it is a 'this'... ]
I. [ Deep breath - what Noct means is probably still about what they were just talking of. ] Whatever it is... [ No, that will be presuming too much. ] I am right here. As always.
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But Noctis...
Lifting his head up, chin against Ignis' chest, looking up at him and studying him closely.]
I know.
[Duty. Duty and a long, worthwhile friendship.]
...
[It's definitely a soft, frustrated sound. The words or actions wouldn't come. Pulling his arms away so he can reach up and cup the older man's face in his hands. Pouting splendidly- which he was far too old for, but this is a man who calls bugs icky and balks at vegetables.]
I...
I want to tell you something and you're going to listen the entire way through and not talk about duty or our status... none of that, okay?
[...What in the world is he doing.]
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[ Ignis didn't even mean duty, this time. Not even a little. He meant - it was his own confession, worded in a way that wouldn't force Noctis to notice it, to pay attention to it, to change because of it, and, well. He is ready for it to be missed or ignored, as is already the case inside his mind.
Then, hands on his face, rougher than his own ever get because of the gloves, still soft. A pout. A pout that he's somebody the reason for, and Ignis squeezes his eyes for a moment to steel himself against the punch in his gut because of that. And... words.
Those words.
Ignis knows. Ignis knows what the essence of what he will be told is. Because there is really one thing that he would bring up those things to argue against, and it's already on his mind and he wants. He wants to ask Noct if he is sure, to tell him he doesn't have to, to, to--
(Don't guide him but let him find his own way.) (A pout.)
(A hope.)
Ignis wets his lips, not that it helps any, and meets the deep blue eyes again. ]
I will listen, yes.
[ He's not even aware that one of his hand is bunching Noctis's shirt and releasing it, oh so gently, as his hand folds and relaxes nervously. ]
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[Good start, Noctis. Appeal to your good parts.
Ignis' lips are distracting him and it's so hard to maintain that eye contact.
As the Crown Prince, and now King (without ceremony) he had an air of arrogance and self esteem about him. But when he held this gaze he didn't feel even a little bit worthy for what he was about to say.]
...I took advantage of what we have more times than I can count. [And the realization of it hits him all at once, eyes softening as his lips turn into a frown.]
I hope you know I don't... mean it, right? That you're important to me- so important. If I think about it too much I can't breathe.
[There is so much genuine emotion there, it's been a long time since he's tried to truly express himself like this. Before everything went wrong.
There is... a hint of fright there. Noctis feels like whenever he loves someone- really loves them and allows that person a part of his heart, he loses them. By death or circumstance.
He couldn't lose Ignis.
His touch is softer, so is his expression.]
...It's different now. Us.
[Hesitating.]
I know what I want to tell you, but I'm afraid you'll say no. That we can't.
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I--
[ Ignis's voice comes out somewhat ... wet? moist? He isn't sure how to think about it in his head, and that's distracting him from thinking of the fact that it also breaks and he can't continue. Nor that he's blinking his eyes a little too fast, as his sight has become blurry even with the glasses, but he can't. He can't - he can't cry. He must not. It is not about him, it's never about him--
Except that it is about him. Noctis is putting himself out there, putting so much of himself out there so as to make this about Ignis as well, and Ignis can sob with the way the words, clumsy and shy and too much do to some bruises that have been scraped raw inside him. If I think about it too much I can't breathe. That is so - so Noct. Who always felt so much, so deeply, so long. But he always felt, even when he never breathed a word about it, or even gave a look, or-- or.
But that. That is not the crux of what Noctis is saying. Nor of what Ignis is feeling. ]
I know what you want to tell me. [ He opens his mouth to say that they can't and - he can't. Not with knowing for certain now what Noctis feels, how deeply he feels it, and what denying it would mean. (He is the one who was never supposed to hurt Noct. Ever.) Not with Noct imploring him to not bring up duty or their positions. Not with - not without lying.)
He swallows. Then dips his head down, until he leans their foreheads together. It's awkward for him and his shoulders and neck will hate him,but it also feels right. So right. ]
We can feel what we feel, Noct. And we can - know what we feel. But you know why that's... [ That's as far as it can go. It is, isn't it? With those eyes looking at him like that, with their world in shambles, he isn't even sure. He isn't sure...
So Ignis takes a shaky breath and moves to the other points, which he is at least certain on. ]
Nothing of being by your side has ever sucked, and you have never taken advantage. Never taken more than I was giving willingly.
And that was, and is, will be - all that I am. Always.
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And he didn't want to hear it or accept it.
He's searching his face for something he doesn't even know what he's looking for. Hands on his shoulders now, fingers curling against the material of his shirt.
Noctis wets his lips nervously.]
Status is nothing but a title. And it means nothing in my hotel room after midnight, when I'm with someone I care about like this.
[Voice smaller than he intended. Working through the lump in his throat was hard and he hated it.]
If I ask you what you're willing to give me now, would you answer honestly?
[Noctis wants to be selfish. He wants that hope. He doesn't want... logic to wedge between their hearts. Not after it took him so long to come to terms with this... particular ache in his chest.
The longing.]
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[ See, the second part, Ignis knows how to deal with. He has been doing this since Noctis was about six and realized that he could make people do things for him. Never too much. Never just on a whim. But always very good at it. And Ignis had to make the call, whether to indulge or get him to change his mind, and never, ever has it been this difficult to tell which one it should be.
The first part, though. The small voice, the tears in his eyes. Ignis leaned his head back again, but only so he could wrap his arms around Noctis, and hold him tight. Hold him as though he could squeeze away that ache and make it all right.
Hold him as though it can fix anything. Or hide Ignis's tears. ]
I am, [ he manages eventually, ] and have always endeavored to be completely honest, Noct. But before you ask. Before you ask, think of waking up tomorrow morning. Ask yourself if you can live with knowing that the person who you should always be able to rely on forwent his judgment and was weak and failed you. Think if you can live with despising me for it.
If you can't, then don't ask.
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The point was his fists curled angrily in Ignis' shirt, brows furrowed and lips pulled back.
His heart was aching and he was upset.]
You have never failed me! And you never will. What kind of question is that? What do you think I am!? How little do you think of me and my choices and you and yours. We're grown men!
Just men! Nothing else.
What I'm thinking of is waking up tomorrow morning and looking at the person I love next to me! Looking at the person who has been by my side. How could I ever despise you for wanting the truth.
I'm not just a King. I am a person.
You're a person, Iggy!
[Knuckles a painful white from the grip he was holding, his throat sore with the raw emotion he was exhibiting.]
I would still rely on you, succumbing to your emotions and letting us both have what we want isn't a failure. It's human! Isn't that important?
Wouldn't you just regret it if I decided to not ask? If this stopped?
This all could end tomorrow- another meteor could crash, something could happen. And what then? Then it would have been empty and meaningless. You don't deserve that. I don't deserve that.
[Hands shaking, his breathing a little labored as he tried to calm himself down, eyes closing briefly, as he asks again. Softer this time:]
What are you willing to give?
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[ Ignis wants to close his eyes and turn away. Ignis wants to not have caused this. This pain. He wants to make it right again. But all paths from here lead down into darkness. Into trust betrayed, into a boy who's lost almost everything remaining even more alone. All the paths.
But he keeps his eyes firmly on the person his entire world revolves around. He listens, and swallows, because some of those words. Some of those words, they hit deep. (Noctis and Gladio lost their fathers that night. But Ignis lost family, too - and he lost his core family much longer ago. He knows about losses. Those words hit deep.) (Not as deep as some of the others, words that he's needed to hear for a very, very long time.)
But, in the end, there is only the question, and Ignis swallows thickly, because he wants to ask again that Noct not do it. Not like that. (Isn't knowing that they love each other enough?) But it is too late. He takes a deep breath, and the word is far, far too easy to slip out of his mouth, not that he ever could have answered differently. ]
Everything.
[ Because it's true. It has always been true. Yet it feels easy as sin - to give all that he has. All that Noctis can ask of him. Everything and anything and all. ]
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Salvage the night.
His grip finally loosened, cheeks wet from the tears he didn't realize were falling. Palms smoothing up his chest as he leans and settles down against him. Breath hitching just... so as he invades his space like this.]
...You didn't fail me.
[Words chasing his shaky breath, which was just above a whisper. Lips brushing against his jaw, trailing apologetic kisses all over his face.
Noctis didn't really know what he was doing, but he didn't want to think about it. He thought too much.
Thinking hurts.
So he was going with his heart and what he wanted to do. Which were... innocent little kisses being peppered along the older man's face. Maybe even now, still a little too shy to plant a kiss where he wants to most.
So he's building up to it.]
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[ A tiny, mean part of him wishes, wishes so much, that he can calmly say, as you say, Highness, and wash his hands of what happened and what will happen. Cut deep, in return for this surrender. But it is a very small part, and - well. He has always tried to be honest. And saying that would be false.
Noctis wasn't wrong. They are just two men, and Ignis did not give this, all of himself, to his King. He surrendered completely, despite all the reasons he still knows that he shouldn't have, to the man he's loved for so long his memories of a life before that are scattered and random. He loves so deeply that he can recall almost every detail of the decade and a half he's spent by Noct's side - of Noct's wishes and fears and hardships and victories. But he can not recall what he's wanted in the same situations, because only one person mattered, and it was not, it is not, Ignis. It was not, and it is not, the Crown Prince, nor the King. It was Noctis. It will always be Noctis.
Who is crying right now, and Ignis can feel the tears against his skin, along with the soft, chapped lips. He can smell the tears. So he raises his hands where they'd dropped after Noct pulled away from him. He can't bring himself to hold the slender, fit body to him again. But he can bring him up and, between kisses, gently thumb those tear tracks away from the delicate face. ]
I... [ It is important to say, after all. It's just that his ability to form words, to even think them properly, is broken somehow. But the importance matters more. ] I love you, too.
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The tears won't stop, even with the kisses that were both trying to reassure himself and maybe bring Ignis... something.
He was bad at this. And should have kept his mouth shut. And he wanted to say so but he's said enough.
His lips still, palms pressing into the pillows underneath them. Leaning in that little distance to press their foreheads together.]
...Always.
[And he means it with all his heart.
He just... wish this mood would lift. Everything felt heavy and he knew it was his fault. He didn't regret what he said, because it was the sort of thing that was building for... he had no idea how long, and it just happened to break on an evening that was already hard.
...
Finally he heaves a soft, shaky sigh.]
...I'm sorry, Iggy.
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[ And, like that. One word, and it all, all of it, finally punches Ignis in the gut. No, not any word. Not the word that got sullied because it was unavoidable. Their word, the word that had meant the same thing from the start, no complications, only acceptance. His breath whooshes out of his chest, and he slowly sits up, arms now going around Noctis to cradle him and hold him close and reassure him, all the little things that have been there and that he is not going to let go.
Because that moment of surrender, of breaking his determination for the sake of what Noctis wanted - it's still there, but one word, and it's put into perspective. As well as by what follows. The apology is real. The way Noct says his name...
Ignis has always given everything of himself for him. But, despite a few things here and there, despite his youth and trauma, Noctis has given himself to Ignis, too. In his own way, at his own pace, in his own time, but he has, and it's utterly unfair and wrong to forget that, too. ]
Shh. You listened to your heart, Noct. It was screaming at you and you listened to it. It is all right. [ This time, he crosses the distance between their faces. Presses his lips against Noct's temple, holds them there. Holds him close. Hesitates. Then tries for a little more, to get the storm of crying out so it can pour out of Noct's heart. It's probably been building up for far too long, too. ]
I was also being difficult - in case you had not noticed, I can be very, very stubborn. [ He leans his head back, but only so he can look at Noct. ] You are all that is best in my life, Noct. Always.
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